Last night was the worst. It all started after I came back from working for 10 hours straight. Florida had called and texted asking when I would be home. I called him and apologized and came home.
In all honesty it’s becoming harder and harder to go home. Nothing has been cleaned up or done by the time I get there. He currently is focusing on music and thats great but, I don’t know how long I can Support him.
The other day I went through his car and found a bank receipt would you believe he actually has more money in his bank account then I do and I work!! I pay for everything. HE doesn’t know that I HAVE NO MONEY!
We watched a movie only because if I didn’t he would get angry, so I forced myself to stay up until 10pm. After the movie ended he said something to me that basically lit a match and a fight erupted.
Heres how it went. I said , “Im really proud of you” because I was proud of him. I know how much he struggled with everything and he’s picking himself up. He just responded like “You sometimes make my life miserable” I jumped out of his bed , shocked to say the least. I wanted to go outside and vape but , I knew there was more to this story. So I sat there and listened to every horrible thing he felt about me. Then I had enough and blew up. “If you think I’m such a blond, bubble, dumb, negative, miserable person then why are you with me”
I felt so powerful saying everything in that one sentence. He replied with “stop yelling” I yelled only because “I don’t feel important, sure I have depression and you can’t save me but you are hurting my feelings!” He told me not to play the victim card, why?? because apparently I always play that card.
Funny he’s actually the one dealing the cards. My mom told me that “we except the treatment we think we deserve” well.. I don’t deserve to be treated such way; like I don’t matter , I am not important. He is afraid of letting me into his life. HE has to hide me from his friends.
What kind of bullshit is that. He told me he was sick of trying to make me feel better. Well Im just sick of trying. Im hitting the same wall and thinking its going to be different but, it won’t be. At around midnight I have had more then my fair share of arguing back and forth that I just said “Thank you for trying to cheer me up when I get home from work” I went outside and Vaped.
ALONE… there I was outside, I have no friends or family here. I saw him through the kitchen window but, he didn’t look like he cared. He walked past the glass sliding doors and in my head I believed that he would open them and say “Im sorry” but my life is not written by Hollywood. He continued to walk to “his” room and shut the door.
I then cried myself to sleep. Woke up at 5:30am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I am now at work because I can’t take a day off to be in a house with someone that thinks I make his life miserable. I have never felt so sick , tired, basically incredibly low. I know he won’t call or text me. Because thats how he is. “feel sorry for me…” no I won’t. HE doesn’t have to work at all. HE doesn’t have to get up early . He has no idea how this feels . I feel so sick to my stomach. Ive contemplated going home but I can’t. I am not wanted there.
Tonight he is going to a meeting. THANK GOD. I don’t want him near me. In fact if I feel up for it, I might even put my stuff in boxes. I don’t feel like he would even blink an eye. I will act like I don’t exist because thats how he makes me feel.
Its to late to play the sick card since my boss walked in. ughhhh….. I want to literally sleep in my chair. Hope this day goes by fast, as fast as my sleepless night. Im shaking because I chugged coffee and I don’t drink coffee. UGH I dislike him, coffee, and work right now. TGIF and yet again spending the entire weekend with him. FML.