work life better then home life

Im pretty sure my work life is better then my home life. Even though I do nothing here but answer the phone on the rare occasion that it rings.

My parents came to visit last weekend and I am still recovering from the activities we did. Honestly I don’t exercise much, so when they came all we did was run around and do activities.

Honestly, my parents never liked “Florida” they would characterize him as being a “bad” kid. We have been on and off since high school. He knows everything about me as I do him. But lately things have been changing. Our communication in person is great. But, recently we haven’t had any intimate time. Im curious if he’s cheating on me.

The past has told me that if you think the other is cheating its probably true. I came home yesterday and he rushed outside like the house was on fire. I jumped in the shower and got dressed and then he appeared like nothing happened. Everything seemed normal, The normal discussion of whats for dinner and what movie we were going to watch.

After dinner we started Stephen Kings “IT” Ive seen it before. Im starting to fall asleep and he gets mad and says we never spend time together. I literally couldn’t care about that so I fell asleep.

Meanwhile he stays up to who knows how late doing god knows what. Then in the morning I am the only one who wakes up and goes to work. He sits at home. Its not like we don’t like each other. I just feel like he is pulling away from me. I get irritated because once again Im stuck trying to figure out how to pay my bills and put food in the fridge so he can cook.

I don’t have a good relationship with his parents because I don’t want one. His mother is very over protective of him and they both gossip about me behind my back. So I gave up on that. The other day “Florida” showed up at my work. No idea he even knew where I worked. In fact he calls my work phone all the time just to say “hi” unfortunately I don’t believe this is “cute” I think he is making sure I am working. I don’t think he trusts me.

Well I don’t trust him either. He went outside a few nights ago and thats something he rarely does. Im usually outside vaping. So things are a little strange. I did look at his phone at 3 am but I don’t know the password. Its like I want to catch him even though he may not be doing anything wrong.

My life is not written by Hollywood

Last night was the worst. It all started after I came back from working for 10 hours straight. Florida had called and texted asking when I would be home. I called him and apologized and came home.

In all honesty it’s becoming harder and harder to go home. Nothing has been cleaned up or done by the time I get there. He currently is focusing on music and thats great but, I don’t know how long I can Support him.

The other day I went through his car and found a bank receipt would you believe he actually has more money in his bank account then I do and I work!! I pay for everything. HE doesn’t know that I HAVE NO MONEY!

We watched a movie only because if I didn’t he would get angry, so I forced myself to stay up until 10pm. After the movie ended he said something to me that basically lit a match and a fight erupted.

Heres how it went. I said , “Im really proud of you” because I was proud of him. I know how much he struggled with everything and he’s picking himself up. He just responded like “You sometimes make my life miserable” I jumped out of his bed , shocked to say the least. I wanted to go outside and vape but , I knew there was more to this story. So I sat there and listened to every horrible thing he felt about me. Then I had enough and blew up. “If you think I’m such a blond, bubble, dumb, negative, miserable person then why are you with me”

I felt so powerful saying everything in that one sentence. He replied with “stop yelling” I yelled only because “I don’t feel important, sure I have depression and you can’t save me but you are hurting my feelings!” He told me not to play the victim card, why??  because apparently I always play that card.

Funny he’s actually the one dealing the cards. My mom told me that “we except the treatment we think we deserve” well.. I don’t deserve to be treated such way; like I don’t matter , I am not important. He is afraid of letting me into his life. HE has to hide me from his friends.

What kind of bullshit is that. He told me he was sick of trying to make me feel better. Well Im just sick of trying. Im hitting the same wall and thinking its going to be different but, it won’t be. At around midnight I have had more then my fair share of arguing back and forth that I just said “Thank you for trying to cheer me up when I get home from work” I went outside and Vaped.

ALONE… there I was outside, I have no friends or family here. I saw him through the kitchen window but, he didn’t look like he cared. He walked past the glass sliding doors and in my head I believed that he would open them and say “Im sorry” but my life is not written by Hollywood. He continued to walk to “his” room and shut the door.

I then cried myself to sleep. Woke up at 5:30am and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I am now at work because I can’t take a day off to be in a house with someone that thinks I make his life miserable. I have never felt so sick , tired, basically incredibly low. I know he won’t call or text me. Because thats how he is. “feel sorry for me…” no I won’t. HE doesn’t have to work at all. HE doesn’t have to get up early . He has no idea how this feels . I feel so sick to my stomach. Ive contemplated going home but I can’t. I am not wanted there.

Tonight he is going to a meeting. THANK GOD. I don’t want him near me. In fact if I feel up for it, I might even put my stuff in boxes. I don’t feel like he would even blink an eye. I will act like I don’t exist because thats how he makes me feel.

Its to late to play the sick card since my boss walked in. ughhhh….. I want to literally sleep in my chair. Hope this day goes by fast, as fast as my sleepless night. Im shaking because I chugged coffee and I don’t drink coffee. UGH I dislike him, coffee, and work right now. TGIF and yet again spending the entire weekend with him. FML.